Archive for September, 2014

Gamergate (This Tag)

September 20, 2014
A line of people following #gamergate mascot Vivian James out of the city into the desert, presumably for 40 years.

Pharoh ZoeQuinnkhamun… LET MY PEOPLE GO!

To the tune of This Land is Mine from Exodus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw0FLzUKphw

This tag is mine

Gamers gave this tag to me

We swear, honest,  it’s not misogyny.
And when we dox someone
And make threats so plain
Because its our side
That means its fine Ethicallyyyyyy

Though I am just a man…
With Breitbart by my side
Cause with help of neocons
I know I can be strong!

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Secret Confession from Unknown Game Journalist on Gamergate

September 4, 2014
I received this, unsolisted exclusive report in an unmarked brown enevelope, stained with blood, with only one word: #Gamergate.“I was a game journalist, and part of the Quinnspiracy. I admit it. I know it was wrong. I mean, I’m a gamer. I shouldn’t badmouth everyone in a group of people just because a bunch of them were wrong. That would be tarring all gamers with the same brush, like all Social Justice Warriors do.

But the life style writing for sites like Kotaku and Polygon got to me. You don’t know crazy that indie game dev scene gets man… the all night sex parties with all the hot indi devs (the things Phil Fish can do with his beard!). The free flowing cocaine, lighting cigars with $1,000 bills… escorts (of all genders, races, and LBTG representation, of course) it all gets to you. Eventually you just stop caring about the ethics of games journalism and concentrate on that fat cheddar.

But everyone has their limits. Mine was Frank.

He’s the one who got me into the business, otherwise I’d still be writing for radnom blogs with single digit daily hits. Frank was the one who first originally introduced me to Zoe Quinn. I kissed her ring, and after that, I was a made game journalist. Just so long as I said games were sexist and white males had no place gaming or in games, they’d print my stuff: after all, its what the editors and all powerful indie devs wanted. They were who we had to please.

Anyway, one day, Frank had too much at one of the parties and screwed up. Frank never could handle alcohol, let alone when you mixed it it with cocaine. People were joking, having a good time, laughing at all the mouthbreathers on 4chan (when secretly we admired and respected for their character and rugged handsomeness).

That’s when he made his mistake:  he made a sarcastic joke about Anita Sarkeesian. You don’t badmouth the Godessmother, even in jest. Anyway, they disappeared him. That’s why you can’t find his articles on Kotaku or Polygon anymore. Want proof? Google Polygon and Frank Frezetti. Look for yourself: no articles at all. Poor Frank. You don’t want to know how the SJW deal with traitors. Lets just say he doesn’t identify as CIS white male anymore… at least a functional one.

Anyway, that’s when I started to really have my doubts in what I was doing might be wrong. Like all SJW’s, I thought that anyone who didn’t believe in what I wanted deserved to die and video games were evil, and of course I was receiving millions for lying about how inclusive and accepting the gaming community was, but the mutiliation of my close personal friend had made me begin to reconsider: was what I was doing morally right?

My decision was made for me anyway.

A few days ago, I was at the elite pre-PAX indie jam SJW collective the next day, helping Zoe with her make up for that false flag operation. I tried to tell her it wouldn’t work, that 4chan was too smart. I figured someone would realize it was an obvious false flag, but I was just a lowly reporter. Her response was a literal slap in the face. I, being an omega herbivore male, fell to the floor and cringed. “Quit Mansplaining, CIS Hetero scum!” she spat. “We own the gaming press. Of course they’ll believe it. And that will be the final piece to the Quinnspiracy! Soon there will be no more gamers. There will only be… Social Justice Warriors for Feminists Domination! Muahhahhahahhahahhah!”

That’s when they sicked their enforcer on me: Jim Sterling. God’s gift to gaming was easily the scariest one of all. He didn’t smile, he didn’t laugh. I had no idea he was in on it till that moment. I weakly looked up and said “You too?”

In response, he raised his Willheim Dafoe doll, covered his mouth with his hand, and intoned in creepy falsetto “CHECK YOUR PRIVLEDGE”. Next thing I knew, I was in the alley, dazed and struggling to regain consciousness. My work is gone too, though I’d managed better then poor Frank.

But all my hard work, my ill begotten millions in royalties from games journalism was gone. I had sold my soul, for nothing to the worst kind of people, and what did I have for it? And how long till they did away with video games entirely? I don’t know. But the only one who can possibly halt the end of gaming from the all-powerful social justice warriors on gaming websites it are those brave, inclusive and corruption destroying activists on Twitter and 4chan. “

The Unknown Gamer’s PSYCHIC HEADLINE FROM THE FUTURE!!!

September 2, 2014

Totally unrelated image

Strange Flu like Disease Grips World. CDC Baffled.
October 24th 2014

Famous important doctor person from CDC

Famous important doctor person from CDC

The CDC are reporting a massive spike in the reports of flu and cold related sickness today, an increase of 30,000% over the national average. This flu is said to dis-proportionally affect those with sedentary lifestyles spent in front of computers.

Dr. Pravin Lal of the CDC commented. “It just came on suddenly. I don’t get it. We had a lot of vacation requests as well this week, so we are really understaffed right now. I think a lot of people showed up today are also working sick, they all seem really tired, lethargic and their minds aren’t on their jobs at all.

I saw a bunch of people in the lunch break – it was well past the time they should have been back at work. They all looked really tired but were debating politics. That’s pretty rare around here, but they kept going on about trade routes and how the Slavic Federation was completely broken. I hadn’t heard about that on the news though.”

Officials are baffled by the pathology of the disease, whcih seems to ignore everything known about virology and outbreaks, appearing seemingly over night and infecting a huge swath of the population in heavily modernized countries.

Symptoms include
Insomnia
Irritability
Mumbling “Just… one… more… turn.”
Refers to anyone they don’t like as “Drones”
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Refusal to move from sitting position
Loss of appetite, loss of libido, failure to take sufficient fluids
Inability to speak, introversion in otherwise social individuals
Inability to concentrate

If you know or suspect you or a loved one has this disease, the CDC recomends remaining at home so as not to spread the infection, but to remember to get sufficient sleep, food and liquids. Loved ones and bosses are reminded to ensure that this disease is flu like and non-life threatening, and should become managable after a week at most, with occasional relapses that last for a day at most.

In other news. I’m probably not going to be posting much in late October.

Logo/Ad for Sid Meier's Beyond Earth

Dark Dungeons Review

September 2, 2014

Dark Dungeons: The Movie

Dark Dungeon Poster



Back in the early 80’s, Dungeons and Dragons came as close as it ever was going to get to being cool. D&D was readily available in toy stores and book shops, and there was even a cheesy Saturday morning cartoon I remember with equal parts nostalgia and shame. As the game’s popularity grew, there was also a backlash from certain fundamentalist groups and moral crusaders against D&D (there was even a 60 Minutes segment on this). Enter Jack Chick. Jack Chick is a cartoonist who creates “missionary bibles.” These are short, free comics that warn people they are going to hell unless they worship Christ in precisely the way Jack Chick does. His comics rail against a variety of targets (Muslims,Catholics, sex, drugs and rock and roll) but one of the most unintentionally hilarious is a comic he created called Dark Dungeons (1984) which showed how Dungeons and Dragons is a tool of Satan that leads to players developing THE REAL (satanic) POWER from its intense occult training. It has been a source of unintentional amusement for gamers for years. A gamer managed to get Jack’s permission (likely with a Charm Person or Suggestion spell) to use turn his eight page comic into a 45 minute movie. Naturally, once this sucker hit kickerstarter, it was fully funded. It is now available for $5 here.

How come the D&D books I read never taught me how to use THE REAL POWER?
Opinion So is it worth $5 for this 45 minute movie? If you are hard core role-playing nerd, I would answer with an unqualified yes. This is a movie made by gamers, for gamers, loaded with obscure cameos and references just for you. 

Even if you aren’t a gamer, you may still find it quite enjoyable, so long as you know enough about RPG’s that they don’t actually involving casting spells. Even if most of the in jokes and gaming references go right over your head, this movie just works as a comedy.

“Those RPG’ers. We tried to get them kicked out, but they’re just TOO popular.” Only slightly less believable than the idea that D&D teaches you real magic.

The majority of Dark Dungeon’s comedy doesn’t derive from in-jokes, pop culture references or manatee gags. It works because it a faithfully adapted, utterly clueless movie based on an utterly crazy worldview in which the UN wants a godless one world government and Muslims worship the moon. Dark Dungeons takes the original material and adapts it faithfully, keeping as many of the origonal lines as possible. When it can’t rely on the source material (presumably from extending a short comic into a 45 minute film) it at least keeps to the spirit of the original, adding in bits from other comics, or the aforementioned in-jokes I mentioned earlier. The result is damn funny, even if the gaming references mostly go over your head (or at least, my significant other found it really funny). 

I really wish Hollywood comedy writers would take note. Recently movie parodies make the mistake of flying way too far off the plot. You have to give a certain level of faithfulness and understanding of the source material for a parody to really work. You also have to let the actors actually act as though they are in the situation in the movie. You can’t just throw in pointless dated pop culture references, some zany manatee gags and call it a parody. Surely, having taking the ridiculous situations being taken with deadly seriousness adds another level of comedic appeal to the joke.

If you don’t get this reference, get off my lawn, whippersnapper.

Caption: If you don’t get this reference, get off my lawn, whippersnapper.


When the source material is itself ridiculous, it just makes sense to just play it absolutely straight. Every line in Dark Dungeons, no matter how ridiculous, is delivered with gloriously goofy earnestness. Where ever possible, the movie choses to go with Jack Chick’s original dialogue, stuff from his other pamphlets he’s written, or made up insanity that might as well have been written by him. The only in movie indication that the movie is aware its a joke are the easter eggs and references that no one but a gamer would know.

Other then that, this movie takes place in the world envisioned by Jack Chick’s: a world in which D&D really is a super popular addictive gateway drug into real magic, occultism, Satanism, and playing around in college steam tunnels where you are likely to be eaten by a grue. Your only chance is to burn your books and accept Jesus as your personal saviour, or C’thulu will be summoned and Satan will reign on earth!

You can check out the first 20% or so of the movie on YouTube for free. If you like it, you can get the whole movie for $5 at http://darkdungeonsthemovie.com/

Also, those creepy occult demons at the start in the robes?
Those are the cast of the Gamers movies. Check out their stuff at http://deadgentlemen.com/ if you are a fan of tabletop RPG`s.